The Janissaries: Elite, Rizzless Warriors of the Ottoman Empire
The Janissaries were the legendary backbone of the Ottoman military machine—an elite force born from conquest, duty, and an extreme case of state-enforced celibacy. Established in the 14th century, this formidable corps was made up of boys taken through the devshirme system, a tribute where Christian boys from the Balkans were taken from their families, converted to Islam, and trained as soldiers loyal only to the Sultan.
Clad in tall felt hats and disciplined like no other, Janissaries were forbidden from marrying, owning property, or even running businesses. The logic? No distractions. The result? A well-oiled military machine with zero rizz and rising frustration. These were men trained to master the sword, the musket, and battlefield tactics—but not the art of romance.
As centuries passed, the no-marriage rule got… inconvenient. The Janissaries began to rebel, demanding more rights and even—gasp—wives. Their once-loyal discipline eroded as their unmet emotional needs and thirst for affection boiled over. By the 17th century, their grip on the Empire’s politics was notorious. They stopped being just soldiers and became kingmakers and king-breakers. Eventually, their unruly behavior led Sultan Mahmud II to say, “Enough!” and in 1826, he wiped them out in what’s now dramatically known as the Auspicious Incident.
So yes, the Janissaries were a tale of unmatched discipline, battlefield dominance, and in the end… the dangers of neglecting the human need for rizz.